I'm in despair and I can't find the answer.

Listening to: Dong Bang Shin Ki // DARKNESS EYES

As I was browsing through the archives of this online journal, a thought struck me like a bolt of lightning.

Reading the fine, black print on the screen of my computer.
Lines and lines of abstract thoughts made concrete through letters, words and sentences.
Paragraphs and paragraphs of my heart. My mind. My very soul. Laid out for the world to gaze upon.
My weaknesses. My strengths. Everything.

The very thought seems stifling. It's as if I've locked myself in a burning room.
Black tendrils curling, wrapping themselves around my lungs.

Squeezing.

Tighter. Tighter. Tighter. To the point where it seems impossible to breathe.

It sickens me to know that I have come to rely on this web page so much.
Knowing that I have no other way to freely express myself the way that I would like to.

I'm not good with my words in person.
I stutter. I shake. I fumble over my words. I say the wrong things.
I silence myself.

Writing has always been one of my escapes along with music.
A gateway to a fantasy. A form of liberation.

I may not be the most expressive writer out there.
I may not know difficult words that people scratch their heads at when they first see them.
I may not appear to be deep or meaningful at times.

But I am perfectly lucid. I know what's going on.
I just make it seem as though I know nothing at times in order to avoid the truth.

I trust people to not use my discourses against me.
Which is why I continue to type away in this small white box day after day.

But that thought just keeps striking at me again and again.

What if?

I’M JUST IN DEEP　蒼い孤独の (海の中)
I DON’T KNOW HOW?　前に進めず (立ち止まって)
剥がれ落ちてく　偽りの破片(カケラ)
握りつぶして滴(したたり)り落ちる BLOOD
DARK IN MY MIND　僕は　弱さに　隠れて